The following are the texts for two Club, Christmas Pantomime, sketches which were performed in 1991 and 1992. Those who were in the club at that time will observe that the sketches are based upon factual occurences and only the details have been changed to protect the innocent(?)! Those of you who are ex-cccc members may also be able to spot characatures of yourselves!
Good evening ladies, gentlemen, children, sheep, goats, gerbils, cavers and other ruminants. Tonight as a change from our usual shambolic offering of a pantomime, we thought we would read you a little story called Janet and John join a climbing club. Much more restful and in much better taste than last years shameful presentation (Off stage heckling from the cast). Now settle down, settle down. Are we all sitting comfortably.....George, don't do that (ad lib as Joyce Grenfell)....then I`ll begin. Once upon a time there was a little boy called John (Off stage...less of the little) and a sweet, very attractive, milky-white thighed, at least until she fell into a bog, desirable, lascivious girl named Janet.
Enter Janet and John in shorts etc like elderly boyscouts perhaps.
Janet : I say John, look at this advert here. Its for a climbing club called the 4cs.
John : Lets have a look (tears it out of Janets hands, tug of war ). What a wheeze. It says (reads) 4cs climbing club, climbing club with true equality, whatever your standard, we`ll reduce you to a 4c leader. Graham Etive says after the 4cs, everything else is a big step up. Club meets every other Monday at the third sheep on the left up on t`moor. I say Janet, that`s today, lets go.
Story teller : So off they went. Over hill and under dale until they were very, very tired and very, very muddy, especially Janet. They looked and they looked for a sheep on the left, but all they saw was a sad looking goat and a confused gerbil. Just as they were giving up hope, a man appeared with a beer mug in one hand, a rope over his shoulder, a sheep on a lead and an ice-screw tucked under his arm. (CCS enters)
CCS : Ey up, are you two looking for the climbing club?
John : Oh yes, I should say so, but all we`ve seen is a goat and a gerbil and they both ran off when they saw us coming! We can't find a sheep anywhere.
CCS : No fret. This is the sheep. Meet Doris, very fond of my Doris, I am. Lovely girl. Anyway,I`m the climbing club secretary so if you follow me, I`ll take you to the meet.
Janet and John link hands and follow CCS around the stage energetically.
CCS : Right-ho. We follow this landrover track for a while. Ah-ha, a wall. Now which way is it? Unlikely to be along the track, so lets just climb over this wall......mind out for cow-pats. Doesn`t really seem to be much of a path through here so we must be right, yes, here`s another wall, no stile, good,good. Should be there soon.
Janet and John start to drag along and look tired.
CCS : Now I`m sure the hut is here somewhere........Yes there it is. (Opens door and peers inside.) Oh dear its very full in there. I`ll just have to stay out here with Doris. Its not very cold and Doris can be very affectionate. In you go.....(pushes Janet and John in and exits).
Janet and John enter the hut and meet various members of the club........ad lib.
John : What is that man doing?
Janet : He seems to be sort of holding onto a little wrinkle in the wall. Is that what they call a pinch grip? Excuse me.....oh he doesn`t seem to want to talk to us.
John : Look at the muscles on that man. I bet he`s a beautiful climber. Maybe he`ll buy us a pint.....no . Oh well.
Janet : Nobody seems to want to talk to us. (Storyteller/Neil gets audience to say aaahhh)
John : Look Janet, someone is coming over.
McEpicStumble approaches, crutches, bandages etc.
John : (aside) Are you sure this is a good idea. Climbing must be really dangerous, look at him. Anyway what will we tell mummy?
Janet : Grow up, be a real man for a change. We`ll tell mummy that we`ve met these really nice people to go on nature rambles with. (Behind them a person, Neil, stumble on looks anguished, throws up and wanders off aimlessly muttering about hangovers and good weather, Janet turns to McEpicStumble) Hello, what happened to you then?
McEpicStumble : Hi, I`m Paul McEpicStumble, the best climbers in the club and very popular with the women! If you want a good time just stick by me and I`ll see you right. (Leers at Janet)
Janet : Oh thank you (a little dubious). How did you hurt yourself?
McEpicStumble : Well I hurt my hand up at the CIC hut. The weather was a bit poor and all these other wimps decided to stay in. Not me, good day for Zero Gully, I thought, so off I went alone, into the teeth of the gale. I do a lot of soloing.
John : I bet you do!
Janet : Shut up John (digs him in the ribs and turns admiringly back to McES). So you did the route all alone in that awful weather?
McEpicStumble : Oh no. I tripped up on the way up to Carn Mor Dearg and grazed my hand on a rock. Could have happened to anyone.
Janet : And you broke your arm at the same time?
McEpicStumble : Course not. That was on the 4c mass ascent of Idwal slabs. We set off in awful weather and of course all the rest were absolute beginners, first time I`d met them actually. I led off up Ordinary Route, really easy, just a moderate, so being an E5 leader...
Janet : You`re an E5 leader?
McEpicStumble : well, I fell off an E5 once, seconding the route. Anyway there I was on Idwal Slabs and I thought, let`s spice this up, so I found this really tricky severe variant, quite a challenge in plastic boots. Of course, I had no problems with it but it took the other six absolutely ages and it was dark when we got to the top.
Janet : So how did you break your arm (starts to sound a little impatient with McEpicStumble).
McEpicStumble : Well, as I said, it was pitch dark when we got to the top but I didn`t want to use my head torch, spoils your night vision. Fell into the lake, could have happened to anyone.
Janet : And your leg....
McEpicStumble : (reluctantly) ah.... I fell over a stile.
John : Well, I think that all sounds very boring and very, very silly.
McEpicStumble goes into mega sulk, picks up chair and sits with his back to everyone. Neil approaches.
Neil : Hi. Are you new members? Got any ABBA records?
John : ABBA? Do real climbers listen to ABBA? (sounds puzzled) Still you must be a good climber with all those muscles.
McEpicStumble : They`re not muscles, they`re breasts! (grumpily)
Neil goes over to sort McES out, door burst open and in drives Tonka toy plus owner plus getto blaster, dragging a very cold CCS behind.
C1 : Right, who wants to go climbing? (Jumps out of Tonka Toy, head butts side of car)
John : Who is that man and why did he do that?
Neil : Oh thats Rowcraft and he`s just turning the radio on!
(C1 head butts car again and a voice off-stage yells "Turn that bloody row off, I`m trying to get some sleep." C1 head butts car again.)
C1 : I found this outside again (points at bedraggled CCS).
CCS : (blearily) Doris, Doris, marry me. Hang on, I had that line last year.
C1 : Fell over him in a snowdrift. (Head butts car again).
Janet and John look more and more confused.
Janet : Does anyone in this climbing club ever go climbing?
CCS : (rousing himself a little) Well.....last year we did do some climbing. Yeah that`s right we definately went climbing.
Voice offstage : Oh no you didn`t!
McEpicStumble : Oh yes we did!
Voice offstage : Oh no you didn`t!
Argument continues until finally C1 head butts car again and yells
C1 : Lets go climbing.
Everyone jumps on Tonka toy and leaves.
Storyteller : So Janet and John joined the climbing club (offstage, not till they`ve been on two meets, and bought some beer, etc) and like all beginners they found their way to the climbing wall at the Kelsey Kerridge to learn how to climb properly and pick up some tips from the experts.
Kelsey Kerridge sketch.
Storyteller : The moral of this story is a pint in the hand is worth two sheep in the bush! John decided he didn`t really like the climbing club. He grew up, became important in the city and very very boring. Janet joined the climbing club, also became important in the city but never ever grew up. And guess whose company car is a Tonka toy?!
The stage is empty except for a person standing on a piano and two caterpillars asleep at the back. Rabbit enters.
RABBIT: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 4C's Annual Christmas party. Following our usual tradition of drunken debauchery, we have this evening, despite many requests and at absolutely no cost (well unless you might consider having a whip round to get us to stop)- a rare treat: A riveting display of combined Climbers and Cavers talent-
GORDON 1: (interrupting with stage whisper) Cavers, what cavers?
RABBIT: Well, combined climbers talent-
GORDON 2: (interrupting with stage whisper) What talent?
RABBIT: Well maybe not exactly talent. Anyway, the time has come-
(looks ferociously at caterpillars) - I am not! I'm a rabbit. Where was
I? Ah yes, the time has come
To talk of many things
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax,
Of cabbages and kings.
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether Angus has wings.
With apologies to Lewis Carroll, we proudly present, "An Alpinist's Adventures in Wonderland."
CW man holds up sign saying "APPLAUSE". Rabbit grins and bows and looks around the stage.
RABBIT: Well (stage whisper, looks at watch and says to self)- Oh dear, already running late.
Enter Alpinist carrying a pint.
ALPINIST: Hello.
RABBIT: It's about time. Lets get going.
ALPINIST: Now wait a minute. Where are we going? And who are you? My mother warned me against following strange rabbits.
RABBIT: Where's your spirit of adventure? This is wonderland and its time for your adventure.
ALPINIST: (finishing his pint in a gulp and brightening up).
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsey were the borogroves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
RABBIT: (To audience). That's the problem with climbers, you have to catch them somewhere in between their advanced fester mode and their extremely silly mode in order to get anything done.
Takes Alpinist by the shoulders and shakes him.
Church Window Sketch
ALPINIST: Where are we now, Rabbit?
RABBIT: : We`re at the seaside.
ALPINIST: But I`m an Alpinist. Why do I want to come to the seaside?
RABBIT: : Ah well, with global warming and holes in the ozone layer, Zermatt will be a seaside resort in less than 20 years so all Alpinists should learn how to swim and how to climb sea cliffs.
ALPINIST: I don't fancy swimming much. Lets start with the cliffs.
RABBIT: Well there are only two rules you must remember when sea-cliff climbing. Rule 1 : never climb anything called "Church Window"
ALPINIST: Why?
RABBIT: Look at that scrawny man over there.
(Points to stationary figure with a seagull or..... on his shoulder)
: He started up Church Window two years ago and that's as far as he's got!
ALPINIST: What's rule two?
RABBIT: Always climb with a life jacket, makes chimneys a bit difficult but its worth it if the tide comes in unexpectedly. Of course you should always check the tide tables before you start out but occasionally....
(Alpinist taps rabbit on shoulder)
RABBIT: ......there are freak waves, nothing to worry about.....
(Alpinist becomes distraught and starts pulling at rabbits clothes)
ALPINIST: Rabbit.......
RABBIT: Stop pulling at me and listen to what I`m saying. Where was I? Yes. Very occasionally a wave just a touch bigger than usual will come in but as long as you can swim it will be OK.
ALPINIST: (Shouts). LOOK AT THAT BIG BASTARD.
RABBIT: (Turns round)Oh bother!
ALPINIST: I can`t swim.
(Both start running, throw arms round Church Window man. Someone (Alan?) comes on and throws very large rucksack at their feet)
ALPINIST: What's this? Looks like the sea as washed up someones pack.
(Rabbit and Alpinist open pack)
RABBIT: It says here "This pack belongs to Robin. If found, please don't tell the BMC ." That's most odd. Lets see what's inside.
(Both start pulling articles out of pack, ad lib on contents.)
DUMPTY: I say, if there are any sandwiches in there I`d be most grateful if you`d bring them up here.
ALPINIST: Fish OK?
DUMPTY: No I`m vegetarian. I`ll just have to wait until the sea washes up some brie or a pizza.
RABBIT: I think the tide is coming in now. If we stay here we might get wet.
ALPINIST: Speak for yourself. I am wet. (grumbles).
RABBIT: Are you? In that case we should have a down hill racer.
ALPINIST: What's a down hill racer?
RABBIT: Well, it's a race you try over and over again until you finally decide it is impossible and then you give up. I'll show you what to do.
Both run round and round the stage picking up contents of rucksack before leaving the stage. Meanwhile the two caterpillars gradually wriggle their way to front of stage.
GORDON CATERPILLARS BIVVY
Two caterpillars are on stage dressed in modified bivvy bags, helmets, head torches etc with hookah between them.
GORDON 1: (Takes suck at hookah, coughs) I told you this was no way to brew tea! We should have brought the trangia.
GORDON 2: Shut up and keep sucking, then you won't need any tea. Anyway you told me to bring a hookah.
GORDON 1: Not this sort you fool!
Both suck quietly on the hookah for a moment or two.
GORDON 2: Damn fine route that! The north face of Catbells, only ten times over guidebook estimate.
GORDON 1: Yah, only two bivvies and hardly got lost at all.
GORDON 2: Actually, I hope you don't mind me mentioning it, but it would have gone a lot better if you'd stopped trying to use crampons. I told you, you haven't got the right appendages for crampons.
GORDON 1: (tetchily) Yah, well, if you hadn't kept getting lost on that glacier....
Offstage....What glacier? Since when has the Lake District had glaciers?
GORDON 2: It doesn't normally but we managed to find one.
GORDON 1: Anyway, at least we were still faster than that Guy Caterpillar. (Aside... I wrote this crap so I can slander who I like!)
Enter Alpinist wearing tutu, perhaps!
ALPINIST: And who are you sweaty little things?
GORDON 1 & 2: It says sweet in the script!
ALPINIST: Oh so it does, must be a misprunt.
GORDON 1: I am Gordon Caterpillar.
GORDON 2: And : I am Gordon Caterpillar.
GORDON 1: We are alpinist caterpillars from the Cambridge Climbing Caterpillar Club. We specialize in the slowest ascents of very minor peaks.
ALPINIST: Hang on. I thought there was supposed to be a mushroom in this story somewhere, a big red one with red spots?
GORDON 1: Oh yes there was. We eat it. Really magic!
ALPINIST: Have you ever tried rock climbing?
GORDON 2: Yah, but it was too easy. E10 was a piece of piss, we just stick on, however small the holds. Really upsets the non-caterpillar members of the club, like Alan and Robin. They think we should have some handicap, like wearing boxing gloves on all our feet!
ALPINIST: Oh I go rock climbing all the time, have to push the grades up you know. I was doing this really interesting route only the other day.......Ad lib words and movements. Not boring you am I? .......continues to rabbit on
Caterpillars get sleepy.
Enter Rabbit.
RABBIT: We're late, we're late! Oh dear, we shall be too late. We won't be down before closing time! Come along, come along (grabs Alpinist in mid pose, both exit)
GORDON 1: I don't know what her problem is.
GORDON 2: Should take things more slowly, relax a little......
GORDON 1: Modern youth, always in a hurry......
Start to move backwards
GORDON 2: Must be time for another bivvy
GORDON 1: I should say so, got to keep up averages you know....
Both fall asleep.
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S GRADING SYSTEM
ALPINIST: (reenters with rabbit) Oh look, there's someone up a route (move across stage)
RABBIT: Hello, have you moved recently?
HUMPTY: No, but I've got a bit wetter.
ALPINIST: I say, are you OK? It looks precarious.
HUMPTY: I'm fine - I saw Angus place a runer here - just can't quite see where to go now.
RABBIT: Thats because if Angus places a runner, he's off route- and he's taller than you.
ALPINIST: What have you been doing up there all this time?
HUMPTY: I've been thinking about a new grading system.
Looks hard at Alpinist
HUMPTY: You're an alpinist, aren't you? What do you know about the grades?
ALPINIST: Well I know there's a number of peculiar letters, but they seem to mean different things to different people.
HUMPTY: Yes, that depends how much you pay the words, see. Like Yorkshiremen are very careful with their brass, don't pay the words much and so they only grade their route with S and VS.
ALPINIST: But what do they mean?
HUMPTY: Silly and Very Silly.
RABBIT: There are some other grades aren't there?
HUMPTY: Yes, E for Easy, M for Mildly Moderate and HVS for Hardly Very Serious. And of course there are the extremely silly numbered grades.
ALPINIST: What do the numbers mean?
HUMPTY: The number of times Alan will allow you to Peter Pan before quitting. I suppose as an alpinist you're interested in ice-climbing grades as well?
ALPINIST: Oh yes (enthusiastically) .........They're those funny roman numbers aren't they? They mean, they mean.......what do they mean?
HUMPTY: The number of limbs needed to climb the route.
ALPINIST: So I can hop up Broad Gully?
HUMPTY: I should think so, with a following wind.
RABBIT: But what about those routes graded above a 4?
GORDON 1 & 2: Us caterpillars do those best.
Humpty stares hard at Alpinist again.
HUMPTY: What routes had you thought of doing in the alps?
ALPINIST: Well, I'd thought of the Triftdegrat...
HUMPTY: Nice route that. Its an AD (pause) Almost a Doddle. Have you thought of trying Rebuffat, that's TD............Toproping Difficult.
ALPINIST: Oh: -: I thought TD meant Take a Drill.
RABBIT: What's the route you're on?
HUMPTY: It's VDBNQ.
RABBIT,ALPINIST: !!??
HUMPTY: Er .... Virtually do-able, (pause) but not quite.
RABBIT: This is about as interesting as watching grass grow
GORDON 1: Grass, did someone mention grass?
ALPINIST: I'm hungry. I want something to eat.....and drink.
RABBIT: Good idea. I know a little place in Zermatt.
ALPINIST: Lets go.
Rabbit and Alpinist leave. Gordon 2 sleepily gets out of bivvy bag, removes hat to reveal ears, hangs his tail over his arm and wanders to front of stage where he is met by Mad Alpinist and March Hare carrying table and chairs. Dormouse is unceremoniously plonked onto chair squashed between Mad Alpinist and March Hare.
THE MAD ALPINIST'S TEA PARTY
At a bar in Zermatt, Mad Alpinist and March Hare sitting at a table , one either side of the dormouse, who is asleep , they lean on him and talk very loudly.
MAD ALPINIST: Tell me again how a camel can come to deduce the worlds highest prime number.
MARCH HARE: Well, it's like this....(March Hare launch into loud argument)
Enter RABBIT and ALPINIST: , straight off the hill
MAD ALPINIST: No room , no room!
ALPINIST: But there's plenty of room ( sits anyway)
MAD ALPINIST: Must be German, only a German could be so fucking stupid!
RABBIT (abashed)We're very sorry , we didn't realise we were invading your territory, we'll be gone by closing time (produces model tent and begins erecting)
MAD ALPINIST: Have some wine.
ALPINIST: I don't see any wine.
MAD ALPINIST: That's because there isn't any ( calls ) More wine! More wine! (takes watch out of pocket and bangs it on table ) What hill is this anyway ?
ALPINIST: Thursday!
MARCH HARE: The Brown Cow!
DORMOUSE : (stirring slightly) Obergabelhorn (snores)
MAD ALPINIST: Damn , it say's we're on the Weisshorn! I knew I shouldn't have sprayed it with pizza oil. (bangs it on the table again)
MARCH HARE: But it was the best quality pizza oil.
DORMOUSE: More pizza. (snores)
HUMPTY: More pizza.
ALPINIST: What a funny watch, it tells you what hill you're on, but doesn't tell you what time it is!
MAD ALPINIST: Of course not, does your map tell you what day it is?
ALPINIST: No.
MAD ALPINIST: Precisely! If you knew Space as well as I do , you'd have nothing to do with maps!
ALPINIST: But then I 'd get lost.
MAD ALPINIST: Please do!
GORDON 1: We use a map and we always get lost.
MAD ALPINIST: Exactly my point. If you didn't use a map you wouldn't know that you were lost.
GORDON 1: Yes we would!
MAD ALPINIST: How?
GORDON 1: Because if we're on a hill we're lost by definition. We're supposed to be in the pub. That's the natural habitat for caterpillars.
MAD ALPINIST: I see. (looks thoughtful) Need more vodka on this lemon sorbet. ( there is a bottle at the other end of the table) Move round! Move round!
DORMOUSE: Move round....more vodka....(stares blearily at ALPINIST ).. will you marry me? ( collapses, snores)
HUMPTY : Is that a spare bit of pizza down there ? It could be just what I need to help me finish this route.
Climbs down and joins the party.
Caterpillars also come and join in
RABBIT: Come on alpinist, let's go climbing.
ALPINIST: No, let's stay here and have a party, you always want to go climbing! It's cold wet and nasty out there,this is what climbing is really all about. takes very large drag on hooker.....
RABBIT : No it isn't.
ALPINIST: Oh yes it is!
Oh no it isn't - ad infinitum
RABBIT exits quietly whilst MAD ALPINIST: recites "poem" at the same time gently
hitting Dormouse with rolled up copy of "High".
MAD ALPINIST: : Twinkle, twinkle little friend
I wonder if you're round the bend
Up above the ground so high
Watching climbers flying by
This page has been accessed
times since the counter was reset
Mike Clark